Embracing Uncertainty

Life is full of uncertainty.  The quality of one's life is directly proportionate to the amount of uncertainty one can live with. And yet, for me, uncertainty acts to bring up all the usual fears. Fear of the unknown causes me to waste valuable energy and over time puts a negative spin on my perceptions and life.  I know many people who correctly embrace uncertainty with excitement and take it on as a challenge.  My natural tendency is to focus on what I lack -- that special man, hair that cooperates the way I believe it should, a perfectly sculpted body (according to my ideal); blah, blah, blah -- instead of all that I do have right now.  I strive to change my perceptions to positive from negative.  I'm just saying...

My fears of all the uncertainties keep me stuck.  I might live a more secure, safer life, but how about its quality and richness?

I had planned my move to Italy for 4 or 5 years.  I did all the legwork -- tons of research, extra jobs to reduce debt, hours and hours of dreaming what my life would be like in Italy.  After a few years I had done the research and was debt-free, but I had excuses as to why that moment was not the right time to make the move.  Then one day after a series of incidents, I had a moment of clarity.  I would turn 50 the following year, and I got scared.  But this time I was scared into action.  I did not want to get to the end of my life and wonder what if.  What if I had moved to Italy?  What would it have been like?  How would my life have been different?  What if I went to Italy and changed my mind? What if I decided I prefer Italy as a vacation destination instead of a place to call home? What if I allowed my fears to keep me stuck in a place I didn't want to be? What if I lacked the courage to make the move?

In that moment of clarity, I realized that I did not want to be on my deathbed and look back with regret for not having followed my heart, my dream to live in Italy. Wherever you go, there you are.  So here I am two and a half years later.  Each new day brings with it new experiences. I still marvel over the beauty that surrounds me:  the art, the food, the culture, the people, the pazza ("crazy" -- I am being polite using the word for crazy) language.  Yet life in Florence, Italy, is far from perfect. Some of my experiences are not how I imagined they would be. There are many life lessons still to be learned. My work in Italy is not yet finished; therefore, I intend to stay.

Letting go of some control, I packed my bags and moved to Italy.  I had so many questions unanswered.  (Not the way I used to do anything.  I had to have everything figured out first.) I moved here with faith that, in time, everything would fall into place, doors would open, I would survive.  That faith in my future redeemed my decision many times over.  Of course, money remains scarce.  I wonder whether I will have the means to survive this month, or next month, but somehow I do. And then I go through that fear all over again the following month.  (Hmm, I wonder when I will  learn that lesson.)

My progress and growth are slow.  Sometimes so slow that I do not recognize my forward movement, that things do come together, doors do open, life here does work out.

I began to teach yoga classes two months ago.  Yoga is important to me and has been an integral part of my life for several years.  The teaching, though,  is new to me, and I am aware I have much to learn.  But this opportunity to share something about which I am passionate excites me. Even more than that is the precious gift of students who like my teaching style ... and return for the next class. Together we laugh, we sweat, we stretch, we build strength, we do partner poses, we open our hearts, we Om, we unite.  Two Sanskrit words come to mind when I reflect on the hour or so I teach: sangha ("community") and samadhi ("complete absorption, bliss"). I get lost in my teaching.  By "lost" I mean I get in a zone where my head shuts off, mostly, and I teach from my heart. I realize later when I reflect back that I have lost sense of time, I am completely absorbed and enraptured in something I love. During that brief hour or so, my world is perfect.  I have no problems.  I am completely full, fulfilled.  I am love.  I realize that what I experience is a state of WHOLENESS, a form of meditation, bliss.  Fully charged, not lacking a thing.

What surprises me is that had I not embraced the uncertainty and my fears -- leave the USA, come to Italy, settle in Florence, and reach out to everyone, friends and strangers alike -- this opportunity to find myself, to be happy never would be mine. So perhaps peace and serenity can be found in not controlling every last detail, instead letting go and embracing uncertainty.

Leaving Italy

Which verb tense do you use when you are suspended in time?  I think in "Leaving Italy" time, but that was 3 1/2 days ago.  On the plane I caught a cold, which leaves me listless and fuori la testa (outside the head).  It feels as though time stands still, but I know better.  Time does not wait for me to catch up.  So even now, I am in the past tense, or so it seems.

Boarding the flight

Here I am back in Los Angeles, an unexpected, unplanned, but necessary trip.

The wonderful 101 Freeway

I try to come to terms with who I am today.  In my adult life I have been a responsible, productive, type-A personality, a small business owner who works hard.  I had control and strove to make a name for myself in my career, which I accomplished successfully.

Nearly two and a half years ago, I had an injury to my back that changed my life.  No longer was I able to work the way I used to. In addition to my injury, there was the economic crisis.  My career changed drastically as a result of the two.  It was then that I decided the time was right to make real my dream to live in Italy.  With my personality type, comes the gotta-have-it-all-figured-out-in-advance mentality.  I went against my usual grain in late '09 when I packed up and relocated to Italy.  I didn't have all the answers.  What I did have was an unwavering faith that, come what may, I would be okay, everything would work itself out, and with a little time, improved Italian language skills, and more contacts, doors would open wide and opportunities would present themselves.  I still have the faith, though, quite honestly, not always unwavering.

Being an expat has its own set of challenges to overcome.  It is no easy path.  In fact, only a small percentage of people who relocate make it beyond the first year.  Studies indicate that something like 5% of the expat population last five years in their new home land and actually assimilate, which means they learn to speak the native language and live like a local instead of in the safe confines of an expat community.

I have made it beyond the first year, and it is important now to assimilate and speak the language and live like a local, if I want to stay beyond the typical five years or fewer.  I try to assimilate and plan to last far more than five years, but...

We often hear of la dolce vita (the sweet life).  La dolce vita, though, is a bit of a myth.  It is not to say that some don't experience it, but for the most part, it is not a reality for the average Italian nor the average expat.  In fact, la dolce vita is more typically for the well-to-do pensioners who can afford extended vacations.  Especially in today's economic climate, when the dollar is $1.42 to the euro, it is a struggle for most expats, especially American expats, to make ends meet. 

I find that I, a once driven, type-A gal, now lack motivation.  I care less about the things that used to matter. Now I struggle with questions such as:  Did I do the right thing?  Have I thrown away my life and the things I worked so hard to achieve?  Will I ever be able to overcome the obstacles and challenges I face in Italy?  Do I dig my own grave just so I can live in Italy? Am I truly an expat, or am I becoming a nomad? (That is, no fixed home, caught in a purgatory of not completely assimilating in Italy and keeping a grubstake in the U.S.)?

During this unplanned visit in Los Angeles, one task is to close up my existing office.  I had previously downsized and effectively closed shop. But I left a physical presence "just in case."  I get emotional comfort in having my desk set up that has my personality all over it.  My desk is glass, which I turned into a vision board. It is one thing to pack up boxes of books and file folders.  But what do I do with the mementos that surround my desk?  They say much about who I am and what I worked for. How do I box up or file away those miscellaneous pieces of paper and trinkets?  I have an Italian phrase sandwiched between the two pieces of glass of my desk that says, "Mi piacerebbe lavorare e vivere a Firenze," (I would like to work and live in Florence). Now done; check. But can I stay?

Also, while in Los Angeles, I will finally free myself of my car and some other personal belongings.  This is all rather scary to me.  The more belongings I slough off in America, the less I straddle the two countries and the more permanent I make myself in Italy.  That spells F-E-A-R in capital letters. Yes, I do want this. But it is not that simple.  (I cannot be entirely forthcoming on this public blog.)  So the questions keep coming at me like tsunami waves.

The car gets towed for maintenance

I struggle with living in the moment, enjoying what I have today, for fear of what could happen tomorrow, next week, next year.  I know it is against the principles we are taught, but I also believe it would be irresponsible of me not to give thought to those very real issues that could happen to any of us, but especially to me, as I straddle two homes, two cultures.  It is not that I want to manifest these negative situations into happening, but I also know it would be denial on my part to ignore their possible reality.  Heavy thoughts weigh on my mind.  The questions I ask myself cause discomfort. I am determined to live a simpler and more basic life in Italy. Some days I do.

I love the home I have made, and make, for myself in Italy.  I strive to create my own form of la dolce vita, and I succeed (to a greater or lesser extent).  I will not give this up, no matter the difficulties that face me or my own thoughts that sometimes punish me. These past few days in Los Angeles tell me that Florence is my home, my destiny.  That said, I also recognize that, when I return to Florence, I must spend more time indoors working. But when I choose to go outside, life awaits.  I live in a place full of history, and I do not take it for granted.  I try to be mindful of the beauty that surrounds me and to notice something new each day and definitely not to allow it to become ordinary.

An extraordinary life in an extraordinary home.  That is the theme of this blog and also my mission in life ... one step at a time.

--Josslyn, Los Angeles, California, USA

Capodanno (New Year's)

The pouring rain doesn't keep people indoors to bring in the New Year in Italy. The main piazze of Florence have live music. The streets are a sea of people. Fireworks, firecrackers, and other homemade explosives are set off nonstop for hours.

New Year's celebration at Piazza della Signoria, 1.1.2008

The constant explosions makes me wonder about the soldiers at war. The air is thick. Bottles are thrown. Opportunists sell champagne on the street.

I am told Naples is even more crazy. New Year's here is a time of purging, and in Naples the people get rid of their old domestic appliances. Be careful where you walk as dishwashers and laundry machines are thrown out the windows to make room for the new.

I have now experienced and survived New Year's Eve in Italy.

*********************

The new year is when people make resolutions. Over the years, I have developed my own rituals. I take advantage of the lull in my workload to prepare my year-end documents for my business and taxes and get things ready for the new year preparing new forms, calendars, and paperwork.

More importantly, instead of resolutions, I like to reflect on the year that's coming to an end and map where it is I want to go in the year ahead (spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise) and plan my intentions. Yes, I am also a believer in making lists.

Before the New Year last year, I kept happening upon variations of a quote that I decided would be my theme for 2009. After all, nothing happens by mistake; right? I'm not sure who originally said it, but the quote I put at the front of my agenda is as Paulo Coelho says, "Wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure." Because I had already decided that Italy was in my future for 2009 and Italy is where my heart is, the quote was perfect for me. And everything I was doing was leading me, like stepping stones, to my bigger goal of relocating to Italy. So I am proud to say that I followed through.

Because I am so busy living my dream, I actually haven't yet taken the time out to reflect deeply on 2009 and map my course for 2010, but in the coming days I shall do so because I believe strongly that without a map we won't find our way to get to where it is we want to go.

Every day is a new beginning and one more opportunity to start anew. The beginning of a new year is symbolic of a bigger change. And rather than make some silly resolution that will likely be broken before it has a chance to become a new habit, I hope you take the time to do your personal version of setting your intentions to achieve your dreams in 2010.

-- Josslyn 'Giosalina'
Florence, Italy

Sentimenti (Feelings)

Mi sento come la schiacciata!  (I feel like schiacciata!) Schiacciare (vt) to crush; to crack; to squish; to flatten; to overwhelm; to smash.

One of the many reasons I dreamt of living in Italy was to allow myself to transform, to be my best self in a place I feel my best without effort. There is the old adage:  Wherever you go, there you are.  Every choice we make is an opportunity to change, grow, blossom, or stay the same.

My living here in Italy is a dream I struggled to make my reality.  Guess what?  I'm here (only two months), and change is hard.

Recently something has come up that I can only write about in a very general way.  Bottom line:  My struggle now is to find a way to continue my dream of living here.  My choices are either to feel sorry for myself -- something I know how to do well.  It's also easier and more comfortable to stay with the familiar than it is to choose change -- and return to Los Angeles with my tail between my legs or fight to keep my dream alive and find a way to overcome the obstacles I am confronted with and come out stronger, taller, and with the reward of bringing about more of what I want into my realm of possibility.  I choose the latter.

Is "Work" a Four-Letter, Dirty Word?

How do I explain?

Work has often stood in the way of my living the life I would dream of living. So here I am. For the first time I am not on vacation, not a tourist in my beloved Italy, a place I have the privilege to now call home. It is not uncommon to spot me walking down a street with a devilish smile on my face for no reason other than I just feel so damn good being here. It's that simple.  I made it. I am here. Living in Italy was a dream that started to feel like it would never become a reality. It was and continues to be a specific dream that caused me to ache every time I had to return to Los Angeles and work those long hours and be in a mode similar to lock-down in prison just so that I could earn enough money to return to Italy as quickly as possible.

Don't ask me why. But ever since my first trip to Europe in 1995, I can't get enough. But once I took my first trip to Italy in 2003, I have been addicted. I always wanted to see the world. Once I came to Italy, I knew I would keep coming back. You've heard it said by so many people. I'm not unique. But it is the truth. I always felt like "This is where I belong." Since 2003 when I have made trips that didn't include Italy, no matter how wonderful the trip, I never returned to the States with the satisfaction I would have when I returned from Italy. One big caveat: I am never ready to leave Italy.

My plan? Well, let's say I've been envious of those that live in Europe. They can go by plane in one or two hours virtually anywhere in Europe. I, on the other hand, living in Los Angeles, could fly in one hour to San Francisco, Las Vegas, Sacramento, Oakland -- well, that's about it. Only one of those destinations is outside the state of California. So I never felt like I was going anywhere far, new, or exotic.

Back to my plan. My thinking has been at least I would be on the continent. Getting to many of the other destinations outside Italy should be relatively easy; right? I can jet-set from country to country and island hop -- oh, how I love the Mediterranean islands. This is still part of my plan except that my dollar is nearly worthless these days. The cost of living in one of the most expensive cities in the world is -- well, it's EXPENSIVE! So I won't be island hopping quite yet.  Besides, it's becoming winter, which brings me to the next two points.

I tried to save un saccone di soldi ("a big bag of money"). Not unlike the rest of the people impacted by the current global economic downslide -- oh, is the word "slowdown"? -- I fell far short of my goal. So here I am trying to creatively earn some money and slow down the speed at which my money burns.

The second of the two points: We're in the middle of an Indian summer in Florence. Each day since I've been here I've thought I'd better take advantage of the weather before this Southern California girl starts freezing her tushy off. Well, weeks later, it's still quite warm. November I am told is the rainy month of the year. Personally, I was under the impression that it always rains in Italy. I think it has rained only one day this month.

Anyhow, the weather is gorgeous, and I have work to be completed indoors. I provide a photo taken today from my bathroom window of the rooftops. Some things don't change. Quotidiano , the everyday, commonplace even boring activities that we don't necessarily want to tend to. No matter where we are, certain things still must get done.

Does it sound like I complain? It is part of the lesson. The truth is it is a very small price to have to pay to be living my dream, LIVING IN ITALY.

-- Josslyn 'Giosalina'
Florence, Italy